I only watch two kinds of movies, movies that will change my world view and alter my ways of relating to it, or movies that I can watch for free on Netflix or for like 2 dollars on Amazon only having to pay attention to explosions, stabbings, boobs, and stupid awesome fights. These Tuesday postings will only be about the dumb explodey kind of movies I watch. I know what you’re thinking, “Jon, there is no way you watch enough dumb action/comedies to write about them every Tuesday”. I assure you, I do. I watch enough simple mass appeal fun films to fill out all of the Tuesdays from now until this blog mercifully dies.
The first of these movies I’m gong to tell you to get bored and watch is Parker. A good rule of thumb for any movie you can be watch without paying attention to while enjoying is that it contains Sly Stallone or Jason Statham. If you’ve never considered watching either of The Expendables you’re probably going to want to stop reading this and read something else. These posting aren’t about good movies, they are about fun and cool movies. There is no art here, just head shots Parker is very fun and very cool. It has a ton recognizable faces in it, that black cop from The Wire, Wendel Pierce (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0682495/?ref_=tt_cl_t4), that white cop from The Shield, Michael Chklis (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004821/?ref_=tt_cl_t3), J-Lo looks super hot in it, and Jason Statham does all sorts of Stathammy things in it. You’re not going to be a better person for having watched this movie; but, you are going to have seen a man stab himself through the hand to better throw another man off a building. Seeing that will mean you got see something pretty fucking cool. Plus overweight dudes in skin tight clothing for the ladies out there.
The plot is a little haphazard as to who is important and in charge but it really doesn’t matter. All you really want from a movie like is for Jason Statham to murder all the bad mean dudes that did bad mean things to him in the baddest meanest way he can. He does, I promise you, your thirst Statham violence will be slaked in this film. Statham violence, of course being his trademark brand of saying a great one liner in an English accent before committing some act of hyper violence on someone. It’s consistently successful in films like this. Plus there is a romance(?) subplot in this movie! That’s right, because killing everyone isn’t enough we also demand that Statham gets not one super hot lady, but two. Luckily for us greedy demanding bored movie watchers the Statham delivers, and gets the lady, twice. J-lo is super duper attractive in this movie. Not like attractive for a 44 year old, like attractive for a human being. J-Lo is not a great actress, but honestly in movies of this caliber we can be a bit more shallow without caring. She accomplishes her job in this movie, even if she spends her entire time on film overacting.
Now I need to talk about something more important to this movie than the people in it, the things they do, or what really cool things happen. I need to talk about the precious moments we get to spend with Jason Statham wearing a cowboy hat and talking in a southern accent. This is what a dumb action movie has always craved. I needed him to do this in his career. I didn’t know I did, but I did. I would pay all of the moneys in the world for him to walk around talking to me in that terrible accent wearing that garish white cowboy hat and light blue suit. Southern Jason Statham is my spirit animal.
My lead pipe locked mega turbo extra deluxe should I watch this if I’m bored final rating: 10 out of 10 Jason Stathams in cowboy hats.