Hey. What you’re planning on doing with this information is illegal. We don’t condone it. However, if you’re planning on using this information in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Europe, or in small unincorporated towns in central America where you aren’t bound by the law, feel free to continue reading! For just a 25% commission on your wins you’ll be provided with the best damn advice that two amateurs and one super brilliant awesome semi-professional sportz guru trivia wordsmith voice of our generation genius can pick for you. Jon, Jordan, and Tony will be picking every game, with one person providing their explanation for why they picked in that way. We were gonna have all three write a blurb, but that’s stupid and words are hard. Without further adieu, we’ll help fuel your gambling addiction.
San Francisco (-15.5) vs Jacksonville in LONDON
Tony: JAX Jordan: SF Jon:JAX
Jordan: WOT WOT IF IT AIN’T A FOOTBALL MATCH IN LONDONTOWN, TEA AND CRUMPETS INNIT!? I think Tony and Jon missed an important piece of this matchup, in that the 2013 Jacksonville Jaguars are quite possibly the worst team to EVER play professional football. A game overseas means we are probably in for a slopfest, but when the Jaguars have a slopfest it means three points and a handful of turnovers. San Francisco should be able to pound the ball on the ground against the worst run defense in the NFL, and cover that spread.
Dallas @ DETROIT (-3)
Tony: DET Jordan: DAL Jon:DAL
Jon: Sometimes you have to pick Tony Romo. Usually this coincides with him playing aginast a shitty secondary and a “defensive” coach that doesn’t gameplan well and the points. He can get the ball out fast enough to any of his suprisingly really good recieving core, and Cole Beasley, fast enough to negate Detroit’s defenisve loine of large scary men that I wouldn’t want to meet or dark ally, lit ally, or ally way of indiscriminate light value. This won’t be Tony Romo versus Denver but he should have a good game, Murray is back, and they have the better defense. In conclusion, Hell yeah Tony Romo! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV0hYm_fW7Q
Cleveland @ KANSAS CITY (-7.5)
Tony: KC Jordan: KC Jon:KC
Tony: The Chiefs have the best defense, probably in ever. Watch me name players from them while you react to how good they are! Justin Houston, Tamba Hali, Derrick Johnson, Eric Berry, Sean Smith, Tyson Jackson, Dontari Poe. Those are all players on the Chiefs defense. For serious though, between Houston, Poe, and Berry they have three players who could be argued to be the best at their position this season. The corners have been great as well. This defense is incredibly talented. I’m telling you this because the Browns offense is not. The only question is if the Chiefs offense can score 7.5 points. The only answers are Yes, No, or “Get off my porch, I don’t know things about football.” I should go with the 3rd answer. I chose the first answer.
Miami @ NEW ENGLAND (-7)
Tony: NE Jordan: MIA Jon:NE
Jordan: Originally my analysis for this game was just going to be a the music video for Will Smith’s “Miami”. Then I watched the video and realized that it warranted it’s own Music Video Breakdown, so ya stay tuned for that. New England struggled mightily last week against the Jets, and featured a version of Tom Brady that completes less than half of his passes. He’s going to force the ball into Gronk early and often, but I’m not convinced it will allow them to build a big lead. Miami is the definition of a “meh” team, but the way New England has struggled, I think this spread is about 4.5 points too high.
Buffalo @ NEW ORLEANS (-11.5)
Tony: BUF Jordan: BUF Jon:BUF
Jon: The game I have been waiting for my whole life, Drew Brees vs. The comparable Thad Lewis. Thad Lewis is comparable to Drew Brees in that he is nowhere as good. New Orleans is a lot beter than Buffalo but betting 10 plus point is like kissing your sister, oddly erotic but ultimately a terrible idea. Plus Buffalo is a sexy 1 game winning streak while the Saints are riding a 1 game lossing streak. These trends can’t end in the same week! They will but the spread is too big.
New York Giants @ PHILADELPHIA (-5)
Tony: PHI Jordan: PHI Jon:NYG
Jordan: Remember week 5? Illadelph beat the Giants pretty handily in New York, and they did so with 40 yards rushing from McCoy, Foles under center for most of the game and Alex Henery hitting 5 field goals. I think Chip Kelly will find ways to get his offense into the end zone and that this could be a more lopsided affair than the last game. Michael Vick will be back in at quarterback, and will have the opportunity to put up some garish stats against a soft defense. Eli Manning should have some success against the Eagles’ defense, but if Philly gets up early, expect the turnovers to start. Don’t let their game against the Vikings fool you, the Giants are one of this year’s punching bags.
New York Jets @ CINCINNATI (-6.5)
Tony: NYJ Jordan: CIN Jon:CIN
Jon: You shouldn’t bet on this game. This line is dumb. I changed my answer on it becasue I feel it will be like a 21-14 game to Cinci because of AJ Green or something. Cincinnati is the better team and should probably pick up the win here but that spread is really big for two teams that hate consistency and endzones.
Pittsburgh (-2.5) @ OAKLAND
Tony: OAK Jordan: OAK Jon:OAK
Tony: Hey guy, did you notice how in just about EVERY other game the home team is favored? It’s because that shit matters a bit. Also Pittsburgh sucks. Their receivers are bad, their offensive line is bad, their running back has not yet proven that he’s bad… but he’s bad. Roethlisberger’s a rapist. Don’t pick a rapist. Pick the Polish sausage. If you don’t love Sebastian Janikowski I don’t have time to deal with you. Also, I happen to be driving the Terrelle Pryor pain train bandwagon. I picked him in the last round of all my fantasy drafts, and he’s turned out to be average. Which is fucking great.
Washington @ DENVER (-13)
Tony: DEN Jordan: DEN Jon:WASH
Tony: This was actually the most difficult game for me to pick this week. On one hand, Peyton Manning has been the best QB in the game this season, and Washington’s pass defense has been the Peyton Manning of pass defenses, except the opposite. On the other hand, Pey Pey looked like he’s wearing down last week. 13 is a hefty line, and RGIII looks like he’s well on his way back to being the super duper dual threat QB that he was last season. Clearly the fact that I picked Denver shows that I put more value in what both teams have done to this point than what I think both teams will do at the end of the season. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m probably wrong.
Atlanta @ ARIZONA (-2)
Tony: ARI Jordan: ATL Jon:ATL
Jordan: Atlanta can’t be as bad as they’ve played thus far, right? RIGHT!? If the answer is in fact, “right” then this is a prime opportunity to take Atlanta getting a few points against one of the NFL’s suckier teams. Arizona’s offensive playbook is the equivalent of a ‘dismissive wanking motion’ GIF. The return of Steven Jackson should give the running game for Atlanta a boost, and the surprise breakout of Harry Douglas (whose name incidentally sounds liked what a 40-year-old man would call his dick) at receiver should allow Matt Ryan to find enough offense to scrape a win here.
Green Bay (-9.5) @ MINNESOTA
Tony: MIN Jordan: GB Jon:MIN
Tony: This line is a trap. The Vikings are terrible. The Packers are on a winning streak. It feels like a double digit win. On the other hand, I almost never would pick against a double digit home underdog, and the Vikings are almost that. The team has to be embarrassed after that terrible Monday Night showing, and I’m guessing they’re focused on redeeming themselves on national TV. Also the Packers are so broken down that the name of the team carries a lot more weight than the names of the players. Add to that Green Bay’s questionable history in the Metrodome, and this is actually a game I could envision the Vikings winning. 9.5 just seems to assume Jarrett Boykin continues Jarrett Boykinning and Andrew Quarless begins Jermichael Finleying. I’m not willing to bet on that.
Seattle (-12) @ST. LOUIS
Tony: STL Jordan: SEA Jon:STL
Jon: Remember when I compared 10 plus point lines to incest? 10 plus point lines are still like incest. The Rams are bad and they should honestly feel bad about being as bad they have been but predicting is a blowout is silly hard. Unless you love Jesus so much are compelled to bet on Russel Wilson (https://twitter.com/DangeRussWilson) staying away from this game or betting St. Louis is the better play. Given how bucky both of these teams are see you if you can find on prop bet on how many fights this game has or how many people Wilson says he’ll pray for instead.