Phil Collins Friday: Home

Because you mother geese didn’t think Phil Collins had street cred.

I’m a wonderfully generous man, so I’m gonna leave Phil’s Take Me Home video on your doorstep as well ( BREAK IT DOWN NOW

The Bone Thugs song featuring Phil Collins is a really good idea, in that it is a Bone Thugs song featuring Phil Collins. The Bone Thugs music video featuring Phil Collins is a really good idea as well, in that it is a Bone Thugs music video featuring Phil Collins. If you aren’t a fan of Phil Collins as a ubiquitous big foot type of blurry creature for the first 20 some odd seconds then I just don’t know what I can provide for you.

Believe it or not, this song was actually how I was introduced to Phil Collins. I listened to an unhealthy amount of Bone Thugs n Harmony in middle school. I still love them, and continue to posit that Krayzie Bone is the most vocally talented rapster in ever. However, I found this Phil Collins fella sampled on this song, and my favorite Tupac song ( (I listened to exclusively Bone Thugs and Tupac from like 2003-2005. Srsly.)) and that was it. I searched on limewire (fuck kazaa) for all the Phil Collins music I could find, and only then did I realize he raised me through Tarzan. This Home video also holds a special place in my heart, as it was the first time I participated in the infamous White Kids Rapping segment of the nefarious radio show Wiets n Swiets aka The Man View. I smashed Bizzy Bone’s and Krayzie Bone’s parts while Chris brutalized Phil and that was how friendship was cemented. Jon and Jordan were there too. Brian sucks.

Have you read all this? Because it’s time for Phil Collins after dark where I discuss Take Me Home. I had to write it last to make sure there was time to put the children to bed, because this song is pure sex. Phil understands the most important part of sex is foreplay, and Boy. Oh. Fucking. Mighty. Does he deliver it. The song starts building inconspicuously enough. Wonderful drums, because Phil Collins and of course. But it keeps building. And it keeps building. And it keeps building. And Phil comes in like a Siren and throws his beautiful voice around seducing all men, women, and children around (For God’s sake are the children asleep yet? It’s about to get weird). Around two minutes in you’re wondering how you could possibly feel so amazing from just a song. And that’s when things get weird. You might notice your abdominal muscles spasm a bit as your breath shortens, then around 2:10 (on the video) you take the cue for the chorus and give in to the power of the song. BUT WE’RE NOT THERE YET!! It was a false cue!! Phil knows, man! Phil’s making you wait! And then at 2:18 the cue hits again and your body finally reaches the peak it’s been longing for. But it was another false cue! Phil is teasing you! Phil loves to watch you writhe in pleasure! Finally. Finally. At 2:26 Phil hits the cue with a HARD head bob, and your body starts to shiver (no mere mortal can resist, the evil of the thriller)! But it’s STILL not there yet! Just a little bit more! He’s counting down, and he knows what he’s counting down to. But you don’t! It’s fucking erotic hypnosis. Then at 2:34, when you can’t handle it anymore, Phil finally takes the cue and rocks you into orgasmic nirvana with the chorus. TAAAAAAKE TAKE ME HOOOOOOOME!!! But it doesn’t matter what he’s saying anymore, it’s all afterglow from this point forward. Oh, Lord is right Phil Collins. Oh, Oh Lord.


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