SO YOU’RE SPORTS GAMBLING HUH!?!?: NFL Week 9 Picks

Whoa, hey, you’re back! We thought for sure after last week’s picktastrophe, you would probably go and look at one of the so-called “expert’s” picks for Week 9. Well you know what? We’re glad you’re back, because that “expert” sucks, I also heard that he/she/it is a awful person/sex offender/co-conspirator to 9-11/soccer fan. Once again, we in NO WAY condone anything that you are about to do with these picks. Instead of gambling, maybe you should spend more time being with your loved ones, who you find that you don’t treasure as much as you sho– WHAT THE HELL!? WAS THAT A FUMBLE, DEANGELO WILLIAMS!? I HOPE THEY FIRE YOUR ASS INTO THE SUN!!!! Here are your guaranteed* picks for the week:

Jon is out of town this week, but has submitted his picks. He will not be commenting below BECAUSE HE’S A GOOD FOR NOTHING, LAZY MCLAZERSON!

The Picks:

Atlanta @ CAROLINA (-7.5)

Tony: ATL   Jordan: CAR    Jon:

Jordan: If you know anything about me, you know that if Cam Newton called me tomorrow and asked me to become a deranged serial killer, I would only ask him what kind of serial killer he would like me to be. Cam is my light in the darkness, my friend, my comforter. Cam is the sun, and I am but a blade of grass soaking in his radiance. Oh, and I’m not trusting Atlanta to be competent again. Not after last week. Carolina has a strong enough defense to hold down Atlanta’s offense and the Panthers should win this by 10. WHEN I SAW ONE TRAIL OF CLEAT MARKS ON THE FIELD, THAT’S WHEN CAM WAS CARRYING ME!

Kansas City (-4) @ BUFFALO

Tony: KC   Jordan: KC    Jon:

Tony: What time is it? WHAT TIME IS IT????? It’s TUEL TIME!!!! Unlike that feeling when you’re watching Home Improvement re runs and Pamela Anderson walks on the screen wearing overalls, there won’t be any pleasant surprises from Buffalo.  C.J. Spiller was the worst first round fantasy football pick I’ve ever made.  He’s worthless.  I picked up the Chiefs defense in several leagues because they played Jacksonville in week 1, then I dropped them.  I’m worthless.  This is another week like last, where the question is “Can the Chiefs score 5 points?”  Those three safeties will come easily enough.

Minnesota @ DALLAS (-9.5)

Tony: DAL   Jordan: DAL    Jon:

Jordan: Adrian Peterson has 36 carries in the past three games. Minnesota can’t stick around long enough to even give the running game a chance to get going, and I don’t see this suddenly changing. Dez Bryant, man who angrily screams nice things, should have a big game, and the Cowboys steamroll whatever quarterback is unlucky enough to have to start.

Tennessee (-3) @ ST. LOUIS

Tony: TEN   Jordan: TEN   Jon:

Tony: How u, Jake Locker?  Good?  U good?  Good.  Sneaky MVP candidate?  No?  Not that good?  U not that good?  No?  No.  Yeah no Tennessee’s alright.  Their defense has been solid this year, and their offense has been less embarrassing than expected.  Picking the Rams in this game would violate the age old adage of “The fuck you picking Kellen Clemens for?”  Several teams have made that mistake in the past, and with a 3 point line I’m going to make sure I’m not added to the list.  My only fear is that Robert Quinn Quinns all over the place (but when he Quinns, he Quinns differently than Brady Quinn Quinns (that’s not even racist, they’re genuinely very different human beings)) but he’s also questionable with the flu, which means this line is questionable with the SUCK!

New Orleans (-6.5) @ NEW YORK JETS

Tony: NO   Jordan: NO   Jon:

Jordan: Geno Smith will need to play a nearly perfect game to have any chance of keeping up with the Saints. New York has done a solid job of stopping the run this year, but hasn’t been as great at stopping the pass. Enter the Saints, who avoid the running game and throw until Drew Brees arm has to be replaced with a bionic one. We can build him. We have the technology.

San Diego (-1) @ WASHINGTON (-1)

Tony: WAS   Jordan: WAS    Jon:

Tony: Jordan formatted this week and he posted both teams being a 1 point favorite.  I’m leaving it as is, and banking on this game not ending in a tie.  Washington’s been playing well since their bye, and Phillip Rivers usually dies around November (I might be making both those things up, don’t fact check me).  That’s pretty much all I got.  Alfred Morris or whatever.  He play?  Yeah.  Yeah he play.

Phildadelphia @ OAKLAND (-2)

Tony: OAK   Jordan: PHI    Jon:

Jordan: The Matt Barkley era didn’t get off to the kind of start that he had probably envisioned, despite this, he didn’t do anything outlandishly bad, and against Oakland, that might be all it takes to come away with a win. I think Philly will make more of an effort to run the ball. Philly’s defense has been getting pounded by the pass, but has been pretty solid against the run. I don’t like Terrelle Pryor’s chances if Philly is able to contain him and force him to air it out.

Tampa Bay @ SEATTLE (-15)

Tony: TB   Jordan: SEA    Jon:

Tony: Let me think of a way to explain this other than by saying 15 is too much.  But.  Yeah I got nothing.  15 is too much.  I just can’t do it.  Tampa’s defense has played alright, and Russell Westbrook is out until late November with that knee surgery thing.  I just don’t see Seattle winning this game by 15 unless Kevin Durant goes for like 50.  It’ll be tough.  Serge Ibaka is a basketball player.  This game will probably be more than a 15 point victory, I just can’t morally suggest you should bet on a 15+ win.  I have no evidence, Tampa sucks (MRSA jokes breh) and their secondary is drooling at videos of Mike Glennon drooling.  Seriously, no QB looks like more of a mouth breather than Mike Glennon.  But that mouth breather can keep a terrible team within 15 for at least one possession.

Baltimore (-1) @ CLEVELAND

Tony: CLE   Jordan: BAL    Jon:

Jordan: God this feels like a trap. When’s the last time the defending Super Bowl champ has only been a one-point favorite against the Browns? If I had to guess I’d actually probably guess the 2001 Ravens. I would guess that this will be a close game, and I sympathize for anyone that actually has to watch it. Unless you want to, because then you’re probably some sort of masochist. Time for Baltimore to go on a silly second half of the season run so that ESPN can continue to call Joe Flacco ELITESAUCE!

Pittsburgh @ NEW ENGLAND (-6)

Tony: NE   Jordan: NE    Jon:

Tony: Do you not understand, Vegas?  Pittsburgh is so bad at sportzball.  Let me copy and paste what I wrote last week, with more caps.  Their O-Line is BAD!  Their receivers are BAD!  Their running back is BAD!  Roetherstomper is a RAPIST!  Don’t bet on a rapist.  Rapists are scummy.  Remember that sex offender thing from the first paragraph?  That.  Don’t listen to their picks, and don’t pick them to listen.  Listen.  Roethlisberger sucks.  Brady rulez.  Pittsburgh isn’t scoring 6 points, and New England isn’t scoring less than 12.  Those numbers are completely arbitrary, because for a split second I forgot how maths work.  Use that gap, and pick any two numbers you want.  7-13… 21-27… 45-51… It’s not happening.  Pat so hard.

Indianapolis (-1) @ HOUSTON

Tony: IND   Jordan: IND    Jon:

Jordan: OMG DON’T QUESTION IT, JUST JUMP ON THAT INDY GRAVY TRAIN AND RIDE IT TO SOME EASY MONEY! Don’t let Keenum’s success against the Chiefs fool you. He’s not going to win a duel with Andrew Luck. Indy will jump out to an early lead and never look back.

Chicago @ GREEN BAY (-10.5)

Tony: GB   Jordan: CHI   Jon:

Tony: Still on that Jarrett Boykin pain train bandwagon, huh?  Yeah me too.  Guy’s a studdddd.  Here’s the thing though.  I love Aaron Rodgers.  10.5 points is a lot!  A LOT!!!  Oh wait tho, Josh McCown??  Josh McCown’s name is dangerously close to Cade McNown.  If Cade McNown was the quarterback let me tell you something BOOM!!  Heh heh, now let me tell you something, that line would be a lot higher than 10.5LETMETELLYOUSOMETHING Cade McNown has been out of the league for 10 years TOUGH ACTIN TINACTIN A FULL DECADE!  Josh McCown, NOW, Josh McCown was coaching high school football *draws penis on TV* THERE’S NO WAY AARON RODGERS PLAYS AS WELL AS LAST WEEK! #ExtendedJohnMaddenImpression That’s pretty much all you need to know about this game.  You can be just as confused as me.  Packers on the front lawn with the cod liver oil #Clue?  Maybe?  Book it.  Packers.

Records So Far:

Tony: 5-6    Jordan: 6-5    Jon: 6-5

*Not a real guarantee. By reading this you agree to give Jordan, Tony and Jon 25% of all winnings. This is a legally binding agreement, so don’t, like, hire an attorney or anything.

EDIT:  Jon still hasn’t given me his picks yet holy shit he bout to 0-13 LOLOLOL

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