Hello again gamblers/bored readers/definitely-not-an-FBI-agent. Seriously, are you a cop? You have to tell us if you are. If you’ve been following along, you know that our week 9 picks were much better than our week 8 picks. This is what the gambling community like to call a “trend”. That means if you continue to do everything we say you will undoubtedly do even better this week! Seriously! DO EVERYTHING WE SAY! SEND US $5,000 IN NON-SEQUENTIAL BILLS AND AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS!!!! Trust us, it will go well for you. Or us. I can’t always remember which. To the picks:
Seattle (-4) @ ATLANTA
Tony: SEA Jordan: SEA Jon:SEA
Tony: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you won’t fool me again. If the league is a human body, Atlanta’s offense is the butt. The expectations for their offense were that they’d be a sexy girl butt, but they’ve gotten injured to the point that they’re now a fat hairy guy butt. Or.. should I say… no. I won’t. [I was gonna say Harry (Douglas) guy butt, but I’m too classy for that name pun]. Atlanta’s defense is really bad, and was expected to be. This line feels like Vegas is valuing this home/road combo at 6 points, because I can’t imagine this being a single digit line on a neutral field. Take Seattle. Bet it. If you’re willing to break a law or three.
Detroit (-1) @ CHICAGO (-1) (Tony hates that I do this, but my bookie always gives both teams -1 on EVEN lines)
Tony: DET Jordan: CHI Jon:DET
Jordan: Did you know that that Cutler feller was back? I think he is able to make enough big plays against a suspect Detroit secondary, and limit the turnovers. If Chicago can hold onto the ball, I think they have a defense that can force Detroit into some errors. Last time these two met it was close, even after Cutler threw three picks, and he won’t do that again, will he? Seriously, will he? I don’t actually know. It’ll be a close one, and I’m going with home field advantage being the clincher here. I also emailed some game-changing advice to the Bears: HIT CALVIN JOHNSON WITH A CAR PRIOR TO KICK-OFF! It’s absolutely fool-proof!
Philadelphia (-1) @ GREEN BAY
Tony: PHI Jordan: PHI Jon:GB
Jon: I get to write about the team I’m a huge fan of! Fuck, I get to write about the team I’m a huge fan for a game that Seneca Wallace is starting. I cannot possibly stress how massively dissapointing this is. I think the Packers will have to look better this week becasue they have a week to plan for having a vastly inferior quarterback touching Evan Dietrich-Smith’s butt. The offense will also look better because it could not possibly look any shittier than it did last week. Nick Foles has looked Manningesque in either direction. I’m calling he’ll look Eli-like and this game will be about as entertaining as the yellow crusty shit you find on your eyelids when you wake up.
Jacksonville @ TENNESSEE (-13)
Tony: TEN Jordan: JAX Jon: JAX
Tony: How u still Jake Locker? U good still? U still good? Yeah, yeah u good. U good. Are you well Jake? Are you having a good time? Are you an MVP candidate? Still no? Still no. The Jacksonville Jaguars remind me of the band P.O.D. Both suck. BOOM! Tennessee’s defense is really strong, which is interesting because Jacksonville’s offense is really bad. I’m trusting Tennessee to scavenge for berries and hunt for field goals. This game will absolutely finish at 22-6 or some bullshit score. Don’t bet it, don’t watch it.
St. Louis @ INDIANAPOLIS (-9)
Tony: STL Jordan: IND Jon:STL
Jordan: DID YOU KNOW: That the Colts looked crummy last week against the Texans, but they still covered so you can’t be mad at us. I think Indy adjusts to losing Reggie Wayne by throwing fucking bombs to T. Y. Hilton. Bombs on bombs on bombs. ROLL GOD DAMN BOMB TIDE! Oh and St. Louis is not very good. Remember when you were in high school and you got to play against that one team in the conference that was from a small-ass town that was essentially just a trailer park, but they just so happened to have one good kid that did really well but it’s a team sport and he can’t really win all by himself now can he? Ya that’s what I believe St. Louis is like. The good kid in this scenario is Robert Quinn who killed a grizzly bear with his bare hands in a daydream I had once. Kellen Clemons isn’t going to continue to do non-Kellen Clemons things for much longer.
Oakland @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-7)
Tony: OAK Jordan: OAK Jon: NYG
Jon: I like Oakland’s moxie. They have enough class to hurl things from the stands at a racist. That classy set of men in wierd S&M cosplay won’t be able to help the Raiders this week when they encounter a red hot set of rahter large gantlemen. This Oakland defense is so awful it allowed Nick Foles to look Peyton Manning so it’s probably just terrible enough to let Eli at least look like Archie, or maybe Cooper.
Buffalo @ PITTSBURGH (-3)
Tony: BUF Jordan: BUF Jon:BUF
Tony: This is a good line. I switched my pick five times and wrote different paragraphs each time. The line is so good that it made me look things up. EJ Manuel IS starting (sucks to your assmar, Jeff Tuel… you ninny). The Bills have kept it close to some decent teams while playing Jeff Tuel and Thad Lewis. Maybe their defense will maintain the high level of play while the offense runs less whoafully than before. Pittsburgh scored 31 against a good New England defense last week, but their offense still sucks and I’m being blindly dismissive because Roethlisberger is still a rapist and you’re still an ass if you bet on a rapist to succeed.
Carolina @ San Francisco (-6)
Tony: SF Jordan: CAR Jon:SF
Jordan: THE CAMOLINA CAMTHERS CAMTINUE THEIR WINNING WAYS ACAMST THE 49ERS! Cam Newton enCampasses everything that you want in Campetitive game of football! Okay, I’ll stop. These are two teams that are actually eerily similar, and if you would have told me that I would say that seriously, then I would have laughed in your face while hugging my Cam Newton jersey to my chest and crying tears of pure sadness that Rivera hadn’t been fired yet. I see this being a close one, as the Panthers continue to sniff the sweet and unfamiliar smell of the playoffs. YEA THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH I SHALL FEAR NO EVIL FOR CAM ART WITH ME HIS ARM AND HIS LAPTOP THEFT THEY CAMFORT ME!
Cincinnati (-1) @ BALTIMORE
Tony: CIN Jordan: CIN Jon:CIN
Jon: Batlmore is so dissapointing this year it starts Marlon Brown and we pretend it’s okay. There seems to be a weird insistence that this Baltimore team isn’t that awful. This Baltimore is that awful though. They refuse to play to their sterngths, Joe Flacco is not worth his excessive contract, and the teams greatest historical folk hero is murderer. I know this doesn’t have anything to do with this season, but for real, fuck Ray Lewis. Cinci is one the most fun exciting offenses in football, Baltimore is lead by Joe Flacco. This can only go one way.
Houston @ ARIZONA (-3)
Tony: HOU Jordan: ARI Jon:ARI
Tony: This game is stupid and I refuse to write about it.
Denver (-7) @ SAN DIEGO
Tony: SD Jordan: DEN Jon:
Jordan: Rivers hasn’t imploded, Mathews is somehow still playing and Antonio Gates is the leading receiver for the Chargers. THINGS WON’T STAY ALL 2009 FOREVER! Denver is coming off a bye and having the extra week to prepare to swat Philly Phil out of the air sounds like a double digit win to me. I have Knowshon Moreno as my top runningback in a fantasy league with $2000 on the line, which would have never been something I would admit or feel good about until this year. In related news I hate every single line this week.
Dallas @ NEW ORLEANS (-6.5)
Tony: NO Jordan: NO Jon:NO
Jon: This could be a fun shoot out game. This game will however a stupid game where the Cowboys baby shit soft defense plays against the pass monster that is Bresus Chirst the Risen and Tony Romo passes a million times into the fangs of the New Orlean’s defense while ignoring that running it would work a fuck ton better. This a really fun match up on paper that will lead to everyone talking about wether or not Tony Romo shoudl be benched forever or not while Bresus contiues to beat the Cowboy’s defense like a weird Japanese drum.
Miami (-1) @ TAMPA BAY
Tony: MIA Jordan: MIA Jon:MIA
Jordan: This game answers the age old question: Would you rather work somewhere where your co-workers were complete dicks, or contract MRSA? It says a lot about Miami’s shitty locker room situation that we’ve stopped talking about Tampa Bay’s shitty locker room situation for a week. I think that before the game any player that wants to jump ship and go to the other team should be allowed. It’s not like it’s going to affect anything. Oh and Miami is a better team and beats Tampa Bay because if Jacksonville was kidnapped by Somalian pirates tomorrow, we’d be talking about how Tampa Bay may just be the worst team to play football in like ten years. Not to mention the non-MRSA-related injuries. SEND THE BUCCANEERS TO LONDON!
Records So Far:
Tony: 12-11 Jordan: 14-9 Jon: 6-5/6-17 (if you aren’t feeling generous) (You should feel generous his parents got in car accident )
Have fun watching the games. Unless you are gambling obscene amounts of money and losing all your picks will cause you to lose your house and your marriage and the kids and the dogs, but not the fucking cat and be forced to live in a shitty apartment with some guy who eats his toenails. In that case, happy inevitable stomach ulcers!