You win last weekend or nah? Gamble recap

Remember Jon’s recap last week?  This is that, pretty much.

Jon missed on the Thursday game, and all other games because he was busy with plans or something.  THE BIG 0-13 DAWGS!!  Eat it up.

Atlanta @ CAROLINA (-7.5)

Result: ATL 10 CAR 34

Moar like DAMN!(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwXl6r5Eu58) Newton, amirite?  This blowout was a product of Atlanta’s offense being woefully (I originally typed whoafully, and I liked it more, so I’m going to start using that) thin and seeing like 3 guys miss the game.  The team was not built to survive injuries to the line, and they’re roasted because of it.  Carolina’s also been playing really well recently and could sneaks into the playoffs like Gollum sneaksing into Mordor.

Tony: 0-1 Jordan: 1-0 Jon: Where I is?

Kansas City (-4) @ BUFFALO

Result: KC 23 BUF 13

I jestfully suggested the Chiefs would cover the line by scoring 3 safeties AND I WAS SORT OF RIGHT!!! Their defense scored 2 touchdowns in this one to beat the Bills offense by themselves.  They covered because who the hell doesn’t score 3 field goals anymore?  Buffalo is quietly a very decent football team upon the return of E.J. Manuel, assuming E.J. Manuel is in fact “””good” “at” “sportz”””.  We’ll see.

Tony: 1-1 Jordan:2-0 Jon: Innit 4 da lulz

Minnesota @ DALLAS (-9.5)

Result: MIN 23 DAL 27

Adrian Peterson is a bronze God.  Adrian Peterson is the type of man where if your girlfriend cheated on you for him… you’d humbly agree.  He scored a touchdown in this game after having been literally lifted off the ground by a defender.  Also Dallas isn’t good.  That’s the thing I always seem to forget.  Dallas is bad.

Tony: 1-2 Jordan: 2-1 Jon: Not even a participation trophy

Tennesse (-3) @ ST. LOUIS

Result: TEN 28  STL 21

How u, Jake Locker? U bad?  U bad Jake Locker?  U play bad?  U play bad Jake?  Did you play poorly, Jake Locker?  You did.  You played poorly.  You were very effective in handing off the ball to Chris Johnson, and that was enough to overcome the whirlwind of fart noises that Kellen Clemens calls in the huddle.

Tony: 2-2 Jordan: 3-1 Jon: Ain’t even mad yet

New Orleans (-6.5) @ NEW YORK JETS

Result NO 20 NYJ 26

I can’t begin to describe to you why this happened.

Tony: 2-3 Jordan: 3-2 Jon: Probably would have picked the Saints too

San Diego (-1) @ WASHINGTON (Also -1)

Result: SD 24  WAS 30 (in OT)

What do you know, the ambiguous line game went into OT?  And just as we predicted, Washington ran 3 fullback dives despite having Alfred Morris as their running back for 3 touchdowns.  That fullback was probably added in like 3% of fantasy leagues this week and he’ll never see a helmet again.  I once drafted a RB for the Broncos named Quentin Griffin in the 3rd round of a fantasy football draft (reached by a mile.  I was 13.  Leave me alone).  In his debut he ran for 150+ and 3 touchdowns.  He was replaced after his 2nd game.  Lesson: Mike Shanahan has always been a cunt.

Tony: 3-3 Jordan: 4-2 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrPosTPSXxw

Philadelphia @ OAKLAND (-2)

Result: PHI 49 OAK 20

Oakland had Philly right where they wanted them until the Terrelle Pryor pain train went off its tracks and left the game was an injured knee.  Then, and only then, Philly was able to make a late game run and rack up the points.  They ate that spread like it was on a bagel.  They ate that spread like it was a family brunch.  I played against Nick Foles in a fantasy league.

Tony: 3-4 Jordan: 5-2 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkKYNwYBYrs

Tampa Bay @ SEATTLE (-15)

Result: TB 24 SEA 27 (in OT)

15 is a lot of points, although had I known Russell Westbrook would be back so quickly I might have picked Seattle.

Tony: 4-4 Jordan: 5-3 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtOckG5tNhc

Baltimore (-1) @ CLEVELAND

Baltimore 18  Cleveland 24

Joe Flacco will make you pay for betting agains… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA OH MY GOD HE SUCKS!! The best part is, this is what he does! A quarterback went 24-41 for 250 yards — who was it??  Of course it was Joe Flacco!  Of course it was!  The 2nd most expensive quarterback in the league got beat by the guy the Cleveland Browns determined to be their 3rd best quarterback.  Cleveland hasn’t even had 3 mediocre QB’s since 1999.  It’s all been bad.  That’s how shitty Joe Flacco is.

Tony: 5-4 Jordan: 5-4 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESkHp0Ra-2c

Pittsburgh @ NEW ENGLAND (-6)

Result: PIT 31 NE 55

This game pitted 2 guys against each other who might not be able to spell their last names with Roethlisberger and Gronkowski.  Gronkowski’s not a rapist.  Statutory rape doesn’t count.  Gronkowski went for 143 yards against Roethlisberger’s will, and despite Roffleblocker’s best efforts, he just couldn’t erase the stigma of being accused of rape multiple times.  Who cares about the game?  Roethlisberger’s a shithead.

Tony: 6-4  Jordan: 6-4  Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqajUg85Ax4

Indianapolis (-1) @ HOUSTON

Result: IND 27 HOU 24

Did you question it?  Because there was a shit ton of money to be made if you didn’t.  Also, this game was incredibly uncomfortable to watch.  Andrew Luck was the shits and Case Keenum was the shit.  Indy might not be good.  Also, they might have just played a poor game in adjusting to Reggie Wayne’s absence.  What do I look like?  A rocket surgeon?  Shut up.

Tony: 7-4 Jordan: 7-4 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WP4dxXEGrkk

Chicago @ GREEN BAY (-10.5)

Result: CHI 27  GB 20

Aaron Rodgers jogging to the locker room is going to be a cinema for a fatality in the next Mortal Kombat.  The game was over after that.  Everything I love dies.

Tony: 7-5 Jordan: 8-4 Jon: 0-13

Cumulative:  Tony 12-11 Jordan: 14-9 Jon: I don’t know what to put here.

 

THURSDAY PICK

Washington (-2.5) @ MINNESOTA

Thursday games suck for gambling.  I’m picking Washington because there are two ways to gamble on Thursday games.  Either you take the home team, or you take the points.  Minnesota is both the home team, as well as the team receiving the points.  That means I’m going with Washington, because I’m never right about Thursday games.

Song of the Day: Human Nature

What do you know about me? I’m a generous Uncle Clucker. One cover of Human Nature? Shut up. You get Michael performing the original.  You get Alicia Keys popping the lyrics to fit whatever awesome situation she’s in. You get Boyz II Men BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU WANT THEM! You love Mario as much as I do? No? Don’t be greedy, let me share with you. You want Stevie Wonder playing it on a harmonica at Glastonbury? Who do you think I am? You don’t even need to ask. You got it!!

It’s well known that Michael Jackson, Alicia Keys, Boyz II Men, Mario, and Stevie Wonder are majestic love song birds who bring my tear ducts to their knees. But John Mayer? I always thought John Mayer was like a Streisand, but he rocks the shit in this one. I’m no huge John Mayer fan as an artist because I’m well past the body image issues I dealt with when I was a 14 year old girl. I am, however, a white person.  John Mayer happens to be playing an electric guitar. Nah fur eel doe, that was a classy cover of the best song ever written (according to some guy I knew) and I felt like if you had a case of the Mondays, you’d still have a case of the Mondays after listening. Music doesn’t control your mood, it’s a reflection of it, you jabroni.

Love,
Tony

Song of the Day: wat?

Hey. I forgot I was doing this. I’m getting it in before midnight so I don’t let you clowns down. Also, clown and down look the same when I write them on paper because I don’t properly space c’s and l’s. Heregoes:

What the fuck is this?

Let me bring you back to 1993. Snoop Doggy Dogg was a fresh faced (kinda) young buck smoking some doobies and showing up on Dr. Dre songs. He was just getting ready to rock the world with Gin and Juice, and he probably laughed really really hard at old Buckwheat sketches thinking Eddie Murphy used to be the funniest dude in the world.

Eddie Murphy was no longer funny. 1993 wasn’t the time to be Eddie Murphy. In fact, this masterpiece is the funniest thing that Eddie Murphy did in 1993. That makes this even stranger.

Snoop Dogg has become Snoop Lion and is convinced he is the reincarnation of Bob Marley (I think he actually said that). 20 years is a long fucking time. Eddie Murphy had a nice little reincarnation in the later 90s and I guess he’s still alive and stuff.

Imagine 20 years from now when Adam Sandler and Chief Keef put out a grunge pop song. That’s what this is. The sad part is… not that bad. Embarrassing that they’ve both gotten my money for some form of entertainment in the past, but as far as reggae songs go I can’t really tell the difference between this and good reggae, so it must be good.

You don’t love me like I love you.

<3,
Tony

Song of the Day: Bitch Bad

I took some time off of trying to impress the bad bitches to sneak in a song of the day today. Your song is Bitch Bad by Lupe Fiasco. If you haven’t heard it, shut up. Shut up and stop reading and play the video. I’ll wait.

That’s good stuff. If you’re unfamiliar (you probably didn’t click the link) Lupe Fiasco don’t take no guff from no one. As far as pop artists go, Lupe ignores trends in hip hop better than anybody. This song calls out the glorification of naughty words for perpetuating disrespectful treatment of people (of women, in this case). A recent trend in hip hop is for lady rappers to refer to themselves as “bad bitches” and for bro rappers to declare they only fux with the “bad bitches.” This paragraph is boring me and I’m going to stop it.

But what about the dames, Lupe?? It upsets me to no end that the word “dame” has all but fallen out of our vernacular. Sometimes when I’m alone I dress up in clothes that no one recognizes and go to the train station. I’ll shuck and jive a la Charlie Murphy in the Time Haters skit from Chappelle’s Show and say to no one in particular “Oh loogit this dame ovah heah gittin off the trolley.” Nobody acknowledges me. It’s almost like they’re acting like I’m not trying to get laid. How am I supposed to meet people if the dames don’t acknowledge me at the train station? “Dames” is going to make a comeback, and I’m driving the bandwagon’s lead trolley.