Remember Jon’s recap last week? This is that, pretty much.
Jon missed on the Thursday game, and all other games because he was busy with plans or something. THE BIG 0-13 DAWGS!! Eat it up.
Atlanta @ CAROLINA (-7.5)
Result: ATL 10 CAR 34
Moar like DAMN!(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwXl6r5Eu58) Newton, amirite? This blowout was a product of Atlanta’s offense being woefully (I originally typed whoafully, and I liked it more, so I’m going to start using that) thin and seeing like 3 guys miss the game. The team was not built to survive injuries to the line, and they’re roasted because of it. Carolina’s also been playing really well recently and could sneaks into the playoffs like Gollum sneaksing into Mordor.
Tony: 0-1 Jordan: 1-0 Jon: Where I is?
Kansas City (-4) @ BUFFALO
Result: KC 23 BUF 13
I jestfully suggested the Chiefs would cover the line by scoring 3 safeties AND I WAS SORT OF RIGHT!!! Their defense scored 2 touchdowns in this one to beat the Bills offense by themselves. They covered because who the hell doesn’t score 3 field goals anymore? Buffalo is quietly a very decent football team upon the return of E.J. Manuel, assuming E.J. Manuel is in fact “””good” “at” “sportz”””. We’ll see.
Tony: 1-1 Jordan:2-0 Jon: Innit 4 da lulz
Minnesota @ DALLAS (-9.5)
Result: MIN 23 DAL 27
Adrian Peterson is a bronze God. Adrian Peterson is the type of man where if your girlfriend cheated on you for him… you’d humbly agree. He scored a touchdown in this game after having been literally lifted off the ground by a defender. Also Dallas isn’t good. That’s the thing I always seem to forget. Dallas is bad.
Tony: 1-2 Jordan: 2-1 Jon: Not even a participation trophy
Tennesse (-3) @ ST. LOUIS
Result: TEN 28 STL 21
How u, Jake Locker? U bad? U bad Jake Locker? U play bad? U play bad Jake? Did you play poorly, Jake Locker? You did. You played poorly. You were very effective in handing off the ball to Chris Johnson, and that was enough to overcome the whirlwind of fart noises that Kellen Clemens calls in the huddle.
Tony: 2-2 Jordan: 3-1 Jon: Ain’t even mad yet
New Orleans (-6.5) @ NEW YORK JETS
Result NO 20 NYJ 26
I can’t begin to describe to you why this happened.
Tony: 2-3 Jordan: 3-2 Jon: Probably would have picked the Saints too
San Diego (-1) @ WASHINGTON (Also -1)
Result: SD 24 WAS 30 (in OT)
What do you know, the ambiguous line game went into OT? And just as we predicted, Washington ran 3 fullback dives despite having Alfred Morris as their running back for 3 touchdowns. That fullback was probably added in like 3% of fantasy leagues this week and he’ll never see a helmet again. I once drafted a RB for the Broncos named Quentin Griffin in the 3rd round of a fantasy football draft (reached by a mile. I was 13. Leave me alone). In his debut he ran for 150+ and 3 touchdowns. He was replaced after his 2nd game. Lesson: Mike Shanahan has always been a cunt.
Tony: 3-3 Jordan: 4-2 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrPosTPSXxw
Philadelphia @ OAKLAND (-2)
Result: PHI 49 OAK 20
Oakland had Philly right where they wanted them until the Terrelle Pryor pain train went off its tracks and left the game was an injured knee. Then, and only then, Philly was able to make a late game run and rack up the points. They ate that spread like it was on a bagel. They ate that spread like it was a family brunch. I played against Nick Foles in a fantasy league.
Tony: 3-4 Jordan: 5-2 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkKYNwYBYrs
Tampa Bay @ SEATTLE (-15)
Result: TB 24 SEA 27 (in OT)
15 is a lot of points, although had I known Russell Westbrook would be back so quickly I might have picked Seattle.
Tony: 4-4 Jordan: 5-3 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtOckG5tNhc
Baltimore (-1) @ CLEVELAND
Baltimore 18 Cleveland 24
Joe Flacco will make you pay for betting agains… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA OH MY GOD HE SUCKS!! The best part is, this is what he does! A quarterback went 24-41 for 250 yards — who was it?? Of course it was Joe Flacco! Of course it was! The 2nd most expensive quarterback in the league got beat by the guy the Cleveland Browns determined to be their 3rd best quarterback. Cleveland hasn’t even had 3 mediocre QB’s since 1999. It’s all been bad. That’s how shitty Joe Flacco is.
Tony: 5-4 Jordan: 5-4 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESkHp0Ra-2c
Pittsburgh @ NEW ENGLAND (-6)
Result: PIT 31 NE 55
This game pitted 2 guys against each other who might not be able to spell their last names with Roethlisberger and Gronkowski. Gronkowski’s not a rapist. Statutory rape doesn’t count. Gronkowski went for 143 yards against Roethlisberger’s will, and despite Roffleblocker’s best efforts, he just couldn’t erase the stigma of being accused of rape multiple times. Who cares about the game? Roethlisberger’s a shithead.
Tony: 6-4 Jordan: 6-4 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqajUg85Ax4
Indianapolis (-1) @ HOUSTON
Result: IND 27 HOU 24
Did you question it? Because there was a shit ton of money to be made if you didn’t. Also, this game was incredibly uncomfortable to watch. Andrew Luck was the shits and Case Keenum was the shit. Indy might not be good. Also, they might have just played a poor game in adjusting to Reggie Wayne’s absence. What do I look like? A rocket surgeon? Shut up.
Tony: 7-4 Jordan: 7-4 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WP4dxXEGrkk
Chicago @ GREEN BAY (-10.5)
Result: CHI 27 GB 20
Aaron Rodgers jogging to the locker room is going to be a cinema for a fatality in the next Mortal Kombat. The game was over after that. Everything I love dies.
Tony: 7-5 Jordan: 8-4 Jon: 0-13
Cumulative: Tony 12-11 Jordan: 14-9 Jon: I don’t know what to put here.
Washington (-2.5) @ MINNESOTA
Thursday games suck for gambling. I’m picking Washington because there are two ways to gamble on Thursday games. Either you take the home team, or you take the points. Minnesota is both the home team, as well as the team receiving the points. That means I’m going with Washington, because I’m never right about Thursday games.