The year is 1998. The economy is doing well and Bill Clinton is happily banging interns. The Drew Carrey Show is on TV and is actually something that people watched and enjoyed. 1998 was a simpler time. Life was carefree. Life was good. Life was free. Life was freely good. One of the songs that made it to the top of the charts in 1998 was “Too Close” by the R&B group Next.
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SO YOU’RE SPORTS GAMBLING HUH!?!?: NFL Week 10 Picks
Hello again gamblers/bored readers/definitely-not-an-FBI-agent. Seriously, are you a cop? You have to tell us if you are. If you’ve been following along, you know that our week 9 picks were much better than our week 8 picks. This is what the gambling community like to call a “trend”. That means if you continue to do everything we say you will undoubtedly do even better this week! Seriously! DO EVERYTHING WE SAY! SEND US $5,000 IN NON-SEQUENTIAL BILLS AND AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS!!!! Trust us, it will go well for you. Or us. I can’t always remember which. To the picks: Continue reading
Album Review: Eminem’s “The Marshall Mathers LP 2”
Eminem’s most recent album “The Marshall Mathers LP 2” is a very difficult album to review for me. Eminem is not an evolving artist, his style hasn’t drastically changed over the years, if it has at all, but it does fluctuate between the serious hard-hitting rhymes and the jokester “Slim Shady” persona that bags on celebrities and jokes about drugs, mental illness and death. If MMLP2 has one great failing, it is that Eminem doesn’t seem to know what he wants this album to be.
You win last weekend or nah? Gamble recap
Remember Jon’s recap last week? This is that, pretty much.
Jon missed on the Thursday game, and all other games because he was busy with plans or something. THE BIG 0-13 DAWGS!! Eat it up.
Atlanta @ CAROLINA (-7.5)
Result: ATL 10 CAR 34
Moar like DAMN!(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwXl6r5Eu58) Newton, amirite? This blowout was a product of Atlanta’s offense being woefully (I originally typed whoafully, and I liked it more, so I’m going to start using that) thin and seeing like 3 guys miss the game. The team was not built to survive injuries to the line, and they’re roasted because of it. Carolina’s also been playing really well recently and could sneaks into the playoffs like Gollum sneaksing into Mordor.
Tony: 0-1 Jordan: 1-0 Jon: Where I is?
Kansas City (-4) @ BUFFALO
Result: KC 23 BUF 13
I jestfully suggested the Chiefs would cover the line by scoring 3 safeties AND I WAS SORT OF RIGHT!!! Their defense scored 2 touchdowns in this one to beat the Bills offense by themselves. They covered because who the hell doesn’t score 3 field goals anymore? Buffalo is quietly a very decent football team upon the return of E.J. Manuel, assuming E.J. Manuel is in fact “””good” “at” “sportz”””. We’ll see.
Tony: 1-1 Jordan:2-0 Jon: Innit 4 da lulz
Minnesota @ DALLAS (-9.5)
Result: MIN 23 DAL 27
Adrian Peterson is a bronze God. Adrian Peterson is the type of man where if your girlfriend cheated on you for him… you’d humbly agree. He scored a touchdown in this game after having been literally lifted off the ground by a defender. Also Dallas isn’t good. That’s the thing I always seem to forget. Dallas is bad.
Tony: 1-2 Jordan: 2-1 Jon: Not even a participation trophy
Tennesse (-3) @ ST. LOUIS
Result: TEN 28 STL 21
How u, Jake Locker? U bad? U bad Jake Locker? U play bad? U play bad Jake? Did you play poorly, Jake Locker? You did. You played poorly. You were very effective in handing off the ball to Chris Johnson, and that was enough to overcome the whirlwind of fart noises that Kellen Clemens calls in the huddle.
Tony: 2-2 Jordan: 3-1 Jon: Ain’t even mad yet
New Orleans (-6.5) @ NEW YORK JETS
Result NO 20 NYJ 26
I can’t begin to describe to you why this happened.
Tony: 2-3 Jordan: 3-2 Jon: Probably would have picked the Saints too
San Diego (-1) @ WASHINGTON (Also -1)
Result: SD 24 WAS 30 (in OT)
What do you know, the ambiguous line game went into OT? And just as we predicted, Washington ran 3 fullback dives despite having Alfred Morris as their running back for 3 touchdowns. That fullback was probably added in like 3% of fantasy leagues this week and he’ll never see a helmet again. I once drafted a RB for the Broncos named Quentin Griffin in the 3rd round of a fantasy football draft (reached by a mile. I was 13. Leave me alone). In his debut he ran for 150+ and 3 touchdowns. He was replaced after his 2nd game. Lesson: Mike Shanahan has always been a cunt.
Tony: 3-3 Jordan: 4-2 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrPosTPSXxw
Philadelphia @ OAKLAND (-2)
Result: PHI 49 OAK 20
Oakland had Philly right where they wanted them until the Terrelle Pryor pain train went off its tracks and left the game was an injured knee. Then, and only then, Philly was able to make a late game run and rack up the points. They ate that spread like it was on a bagel. They ate that spread like it was a family brunch. I played against Nick Foles in a fantasy league.
Tony: 3-4 Jordan: 5-2 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkKYNwYBYrs
Tampa Bay @ SEATTLE (-15)
Result: TB 24 SEA 27 (in OT)
15 is a lot of points, although had I known Russell Westbrook would be back so quickly I might have picked Seattle.
Tony: 4-4 Jordan: 5-3 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtOckG5tNhc
Baltimore (-1) @ CLEVELAND
Baltimore 18 Cleveland 24
Joe Flacco will make you pay for betting agains… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA OH MY GOD HE SUCKS!! The best part is, this is what he does! A quarterback went 24-41 for 250 yards — who was it?? Of course it was Joe Flacco! Of course it was! The 2nd most expensive quarterback in the league got beat by the guy the Cleveland Browns determined to be their 3rd best quarterback. Cleveland hasn’t even had 3 mediocre QB’s since 1999. It’s all been bad. That’s how shitty Joe Flacco is.
Tony: 5-4 Jordan: 5-4 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESkHp0Ra-2c
Pittsburgh @ NEW ENGLAND (-6)
Result: PIT 31 NE 55
This game pitted 2 guys against each other who might not be able to spell their last names with Roethlisberger and Gronkowski. Gronkowski’s not a rapist. Statutory rape doesn’t count. Gronkowski went for 143 yards against Roethlisberger’s will, and despite Roffleblocker’s best efforts, he just couldn’t erase the stigma of being accused of rape multiple times. Who cares about the game? Roethlisberger’s a shithead.
Tony: 6-4 Jordan: 6-4 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqajUg85Ax4
Indianapolis (-1) @ HOUSTON
Result: IND 27 HOU 24
Did you question it? Because there was a shit ton of money to be made if you didn’t. Also, this game was incredibly uncomfortable to watch. Andrew Luck was the shits and Case Keenum was the shit. Indy might not be good. Also, they might have just played a poor game in adjusting to Reggie Wayne’s absence. What do I look like? A rocket surgeon? Shut up.
Tony: 7-4 Jordan: 7-4 Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WP4dxXEGrkk
Chicago @ GREEN BAY (-10.5)
Result: CHI 27 GB 20
Aaron Rodgers jogging to the locker room is going to be a cinema for a fatality in the next Mortal Kombat. The game was over after that. Everything I love dies.
Tony: 7-5 Jordan: 8-4 Jon: 0-13
Cumulative: Tony 12-11 Jordan: 14-9 Jon: I don’t know what to put here.
THURSDAY PICK
Washington (-2.5) @ MINNESOTA
Thursday games suck for gambling. I’m picking Washington because there are two ways to gamble on Thursday games. Either you take the home team, or you take the points. Minnesota is both the home team, as well as the team receiving the points. That means I’m going with Washington, because I’m never right about Thursday games.
Song of the Day: Eminem – “Love Game” (feat. Kendrick Lamar)
Well hi there ladies and gentlemen! It’s been a tough week so far, but hell, you’re over halfway through and the weekend is waiting patiently for you to enjoy the shit out of it! Today I’m here to provide you with a song that will help you push through the last two days of work/school/responsibilities/looking-for-pants-so-that-you-can-answer-the-door-because-the-pizza-man-is-here! Our song today is “Love Game” by Eminem featuring Kendrick Lamar from Eminem’s new album “The Marshall Mathers LP 2”. (Maybe don’t listen to this if you are offended by profanity, but then you probably are on the wrong blog anyways).
Song of the Day: Kendrick Lamar – “A.D.H.D”
Welcome back to another rousing edition of “Jordan played on YouTube and his iTunes library for 48 minutes and finally settled on this song” of the day. Today we have the incomparable Kendrick Lamar and the song “A.D.H.D”. You can find this song on the CD Section.80, which is a must have if you are a hip-hop fan.
SO YOU’RE SPORTS GAMBLING HUH!?!?: NFL Week 9 Picks
Whoa, hey, you’re back! We thought for sure after last week’s picktastrophe, you would probably go and look at one of the so-called “expert’s” picks for Week 9. Well you know what? We’re glad you’re back, because that “expert” sucks, I also heard that he/she/it is a awful person/sex offender/co-conspirator to 9-11/soccer fan. Once again, we in NO WAY condone anything that you are about to do with these picks. Instead of gambling, maybe you should spend more time being with your loved ones, who you find that you don’t treasure as much as you sho– WHAT THE HELL!? WAS THAT A FUMBLE, DEANGELO WILLIAMS!? I HOPE THEY FIRE YOUR ASS INTO THE SUN!!!! Here are your guaranteed* picks for the week: Continue reading
A Love Letter to Walter Goggins
Hey Walter,
I remember when we first met, it was the first season of Justified and you stood out to me more anyone, even more than my second favorite Olyphant(this will always be my favorite Oliphant http://images.wikia.com/lotr/images/0/0f/Oliphant_RE_Animal_Rides-s1280x960-96816.jpg). You were the best part of that show by leaps and bounds, and though the gap has closed as that show as went on, you will always be my favorite. I gushed about you being awesome to Chris multiple times. You play crazy so well. You have the best voice. Walter, you maybe the best most under used and underrated actor in the world right now. You were perfect in Lincoln, so perfect I forgot how much I loved Boyd Crowder. You played a glorious hate monger in Django Unchained. You hated so well in it that I forgot Boyd’s tolerance. You made it satisfying to watch one of my favorite actors die. Walter, do you know hard that is to do? It’s like rooting for your favorite team to lose. You were always very good, Walt then you did something beyond very good. You did the best bit of TV acting I’ve ever seen. The way you played a transvestite named Venus on Sons of Anarachy is the single best of TV acting I can remember. It meant from a pop because I recognized you to being memorized by how good every story arc involving Venus was. This character could have been so terrible, you made it phenomenal. It was better than Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad, it was better than Jon Hamm in Mad Men, and it ground Kevin Spacey in House of Cards into the dust. Everyone needs to watch the performance in the latest episode of SOA. It is beyond compression, and it plays through incredibly adult themes. You do it effortlessly. Thank you Walter one day the world might appreciate you the way I do.
Not the Song of the Day you want, but the one you need: Guster’s The Captain
Good evening everyone, it’s been a long Thursday, and I hope you’ll forgive the lateness of my song of the day post. However, I feel that posting the song of the day in the evening could hold a certain gravity for you, depending on the kind of day you’ve had. I won’t be posting the song of the day every Thursday night, it just happens to be this night.
Without further adieu, I give you Guster’s “The Captain” off their Ganging up on the Sun album. Guster was the second concert I attended: the first was a Bare Naked Ladies concert (I regret nothing). My friend Jeff gave me some Guster songs to listen to early in our sophomore year in high school; after listening to those songs I quickly told him “I want all the Guster that you have… Now I’m worried what you heard was ‘give me a lot of Guster,’ when really I said give me all the Guster you have.” He did, and I was happy. Next thing I knew we were going to the Guster concert in Minneapolis, where the opening song happened to be… “The Captain.”
“The Captain” is the perfect song for my Thursday because of how it illustrates how when a person is having a bad day, that person want’s to be like their hero. Personally, I have a lot of heroes, but my “captain” at the moment happens to be Captain Malcolm Reynolds from the show Firefly. I associate the song with character because of how the two talk of the importance of moving forward when you’re down; and that’s important. I’d say more on the topic, but I really believe that covers it.
Allons’y
The Big NFL Prediction Review
Hey guys, I figure it’s good idea to talk about all the cool stuff that happened last NFL Sunday while at the same time keeping Tony, Jordan, and I accountable for our dog shit gambling advice. It also gives me the chance to pick the sexy Thursday night shit show game.
SF(-15.5)vs. JAX IN LONDON!!!!!
Result: SF 42 JAX 10.
Whelp, they covered that giant point line. They didn’t pass to run up the score and they didn’t need to as they literally ran up the score(zing). Collin Kaepernick had day, good work Kaepernickerbocker fantasy owners. Sorry we did that to you Londoners but get used to Jacksonville soon they’ll be all yours.
Tony 0-1 Jon 0-1 Jordan 1-0
DAL@ DET(-3)
Tony Romo covered and the cowboys didn’t win. It was good day. There was also that weird Dez Bryant Jason Witten fight on the sidelines that Demarcus Ware mediated. I would stop yelling things at people if Demarcus Ware touched me. Calvin Johnson continues to be better than everyone.
Tony 0-2 Jon 1-1 Jordan 2-0
CLE @ KC(7-5)
Result: KC 23 CLE 17
Jason Campbell came in a played well, as he has for most of his career. Expect him to get benched and name called by the coach next week because that poor man has no luck. I don’t know why we think KC is the worst 8-0 in history, they have an amazing defense and play within their offensive talent. They might be boring but the way they win is sustainable.
Tony 1-2 Jon 2-1 Jordan 3-0
MIA @ NE(-7)
Result: NE 27 MIA 17
Miami looked really good and then promptly remembered how limited their talent was and chose to ignore their best offensive option against New England in order to have Tannehill chuck it 42 times at 52 percent accuracy. They did this while their lead running back averaged 5 yards a carry. Bilichick continued to cement his stance of hating people having fun by persisting to fuck Steven Ridley fantasy owners.
Tony 2-2 Jon 3-1 Jordan 3-1
BUF @ NO (-11.5)
Result NO 35 BUF 17
Thad Lewis left on the first play Billes offensive play on a fumble making everyone fear they were in for another episode of Tuel Time. Thankfully, he returned to fumble again. Other than the turnovers Thad Lewis did well for a Thad Lewis, but Drew Brees did Drew Bress things on the way to 5 TD passes.
Tony 2-3 Jon 3-2 Jordan 3-2
NYG @ PHI(-5)
Result NYG 15 PHI y
/Vomits. Please go away Matt Barkley you are no answer to any question other than who is not a competent quarterback. Good work Josh Brown fantasy owners though
Tony 2-4 Jon 4-2 Jordan 3-3
NYJ @ CIN(-6.5)
Result: CIN 49 NYJ 9
So, Marvin Jones turns out to be a fantasy hero for that guy that was in last place with everyone hurt and had start somebody, good for you that guy, for shame on anyone throwing away their free agent budget on him currently. By the way, Andy Dalton had as many TDs as Drew Brees last week. Some bad fantasy owner in Cinci just won by 100.
Tony 2-5 Jon 5-2 Jordan 4-3
WASH @ DEN(-13)
Result: DEN 45 WASH 21
No one wanted the football and continued to throw it to each other. Some how Denver scored 45, which was more than enough to cover. RG part 3 didn’t look great and WASH refused to hand it off to a guy getting 5.5 yards a carry. It was an ugly looking game.
Tony 3-5 Jon 5-3 Jordan 5-3
ATL @ AZ(-2)
Result: AZ 27 ATL 13
Andre Ellington averaged over 10 yard per carry. That defense sure is great in ATL. Bright spot though, Harry Douglas is putting up numbers.
Tony 4-5 Jon 5-4 Jordan 5-4
GB @ MIN (-9.5)
Result: GB 44 MIN 31
Aaron Rodger played one the best games of his career and Jordy Nelson made everyone forget how dismally injured the Packers’ receiving core is. All of this happened against one of the worst secondaries in football. Eddie Lacy persists to be a big scary animal.
Tony 4-6 Jon 5-5 Jordan 6-4
SEA(-12) @ STL
Result: SEA 14 STL 9
Kellen Clemens played against the best defense in the game and it went about as well that sounds like it would go. Zach Stacy and the St. Louis defense kept this game closer than it needed to be and actually kept them ahead until Golden Tate gave SEA the come from behind win.
Tony 5-6 Jon 6-5 Jordan 6-5
Thursday Shit Show Prediction
Cinci(-3) @ MIA
Pick:Cinci
Miami will certainly shoot themselves in the foot again and The Bengals looked mighty fine last week against a team that is comparable to the Dolphins. I hope Marvin Jones goes catchless to punish you overzealous fantasy players.
2nd Floor Commons 
